


Catastrophic Failure

by gayporwave



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cats, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 18:52:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayporwave/pseuds/gayporwave
Summary: A collection of reports concerning the experimental military weapon aptly named "Project F.E.L.I.N.E".





	Catastrophic Failure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Katherine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katherine/gifts).



**!! WARNING !!**

UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS STRICTLY PROHIBITED

// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #458  
// **Type** : Audio recording.  
// **Description** : Audio recording of Project F.E.L.I.N.E's activation.  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**Dr. ████** : Doctor ████ here, today marks the first test run of Project F.E.L.I.N.E. Female Experimental Laser-Enhanced Infiltration and Neurotoxin Expert.  
  
**[sound of papers shuffling in the background]**  
  
**Dr. ████** : I am absolutely ecstatic to see the fruits of our labor. Dr. ██████ if you will?  
  
**Dr. ██████** : So! If everything goes according to plan Project F.E.L.I.N.E...  
  
**Dr. ██████** : **{muttering to herself}** really should stop letting ████ name everything  
  
**Dr. █████** : Should be online in a matter of minutes... Project F.E.L.I.N.E is an extraordinary creation, completely indistinguishable from Felis catus, or for the layfolk: a house cat. She's a thing of beauty, really, an A.I. that can perfectly mimic a house cat and infiltrate an unsuspecting subject's home. Fully equipped with enough weapons to constitute a small man army and neurochemical agents should a situation require a more...subtle approach.  
  
**Dr. █████** : Project **{said with disgust}** F.E.L.I.N.E is significantly heavier than an actual house cat weighing in at an impressive 80 kgs. Other than that there is absolutely no way to distinguish her from the real deal. Today, after a hopefully successful activation, we'll try to test out her various features and how exactly her A.I. procedures will be functioning.  
  
**[sounds of movement and keyboard typing]**  
  
**Dr. ██████** : Alright, let’s get to it.  
  
**Dr.████** : Are we ready to activate then?  
  
**Dr. ██████** : We should be, everything seems to be in order.  
  
**Dr.████** : Alright, Project F.E.L.I.N.E, activation code A3-21.  
  
**[distinct sounds of servos and machinery whirring, coming to life]**  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : **{in a high pitched and distinctly synthesized voice}** Meeeeeoooowww! Project F.E.L.I.N.E now online and fully functional! Greetings, Doctors ████ and ██████! How may I help you?  
  
**Dr. ████** : **{audibly impressed}** Holy moly, it works! This is **{emphasis}** soooo incredible █████, think about how big is going to be, there's so much potential here to be unlocked and-- .  
  
**Dr. ██████** : **{clearing her throat loudly}** Project F.E.L.I.N.E can you please give us a small demonstration of your functions.  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : Sure, meow! But right after my nap, I’m so tired!  
  
**Dr. ██████** : ...Excuse me?  


// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #460  
// **Type** : Audio recording.  
// **Description** : Audio recording of Dr. ████ concerning Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**Dr. ████** : Uh, hi there. This is Doctor ████ again. But you know that already if you’re listening to these. **{coughs nervously}** I'm recording this after our latest test trial, this one is test trial number 4. The other 3 have, well, not gone so well and neither has this one. If I'm being honest.  
  
**Dr. ████** : **{pauses}** The truth is... our A.I programming for Project F.E.L.I.N.E worked a little too well. She really does act just like a cat, and I mean really **{emphasis}** acts like one.  
  
**Dr. ████** : Dr. ██████ and I are working on fixing the issue but it’s slow going for now. No matter how much code we rewrite she just does whatever she pleases. I don't understand it! She's so spiteful too! I asked if she was aware she was machine and she clearly is, yet she refuses to follow orders.  
  


// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #461  
// **Type** : Video recording.  
// **Description** : Video recording of Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**[Project F.E.L.I.N.E comes into sharp focus as the camera zooms in. She is an average sized tortoiseshell colored cat. Hard knocks against laboratory walls can be heard as she jumps up and down to paw at her own laser burning a trail above her into a laboratory wall every time she moves]**  
  
Project F.E.L.I.N.E: Meeeeeooooowww!  
  
Dr. ██████: **[Off camera]** **{sighing}** Project F.E.L.I.N.E, please, how many times have we explained that not only is playing with your own laser completely pointless but also extremely dangerous. {exasperated} You’re damaging the lab walls!  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : I know, meow! It’s just so fun to chase it! It’s so shiny!  
  
**[Project F.E.L.I.N.E jumps particularly high and doesn't manage to stick the landing, causing her laser to cut across the lab. Burning through multiple pieces of equipment and barely missing Dr. ████]**  
  
**Dr. ██████** : **{yelling loudly}** Power down!  
  
**[Project F.E.L.I.N.E immediately powers down and falls limp, crashing against the floor]**  
  
**[Video cuts out abruptly]**  


// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #463  
// **Type** : Video recording.  
// **Description** : Video recording of Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**[Video focuses in on Project F.E.L.I.N.E again, she is seated atop a piece of expensive lab equipment. Her eyes are closed and her facial expression is content and she is audibly purring]**  
  
**Dr. ██████** : **{sounding defeated}** Project F.E.L.I.N.E.  
  
**[Project F.E.L.I.N.E does not open her eyes but her ears twitch slightly]**  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : Yes, meow?  
  
**Dr. ██████** : Why are you sitting there? You were supposed to go through multiple tests today. Dr. ████ says you've not attended a single one.  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : It’s warm! The purrfect place for a nap, meow!  
  
**Dr. ██████** : **{groans}**  
  
**[Video end]**  


// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #464  
// **Type** : Audio recording.  
// **Description** : Audio recording of Project F.E.L.I.N.E, and Doctors ██████ and ████.  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**Dr. ████** : Hey, █████? What happened to my coffee mug, I left it on my desk and now it's shattered.  
  
**Dr. ██████** : No idea. Ask Project F.E.L.I.N.E.  
  
**Dr. ████** : Hmm. **{questioning}** Project F.E.L.I.N.E?  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : Yeeeesssss, meow?  
  
**Dr. ████** : Do you know anything about my mug falling to the floor?  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : Yes, meow!  
  
**Dr. ████** : What happened?  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : I pushed it!  
  
**Dr. ████** : What? Why?  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : It was on the edge!  
  
**Dr. ████** : **{sighs loudly}**  
  


// **Project Title** : Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
// **Document ID Number** : #467  
// **Type** : Audio recording.  
// **Description** : Final audio recording of Dr. ████ concerning Project F.E.L.I.N.E  
=====================================================================  
**Transcript** :  
  
**Dr. ████** :Well, I think after all this it’s safe to say Project F.E.L.I.N.E is shelved for now. I’ve managed to convince the higher ups not to destroy her, for now...  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : Meow! Pet me!  
  
**[Sounds of a microphone being jostled around and loud purring]  
**   
**Dr. ████** : **{fondly}** Oh, what are we going to do with you?  
  
**Project F.E.L.I.N.E** : More petting, hopefully!  
  
**Dr. ████** : **{laughs}**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy your gift! I had so much fun with this!


End file.
